19 Years!

Wow, where have those years gone? At exactly 3.33am 19 years ago I was handed my baby girl. I know love at first sight exists because I felt it right then. I mean I obviously felt love for my baby before I gave birth but that first moment when they're here safely... it just rushes over you.

I was very young when I had her, only 18 years old and terrified of getting it wrong! I wasn't perfect as a parent, we all make mistakes but my daughter assures me that I'm a great mum and thats good enough for me.

Growing up my daughter was a good kid. By no means was she an angel though! I remember clearly one day, her dad was trying to see what was wrong with our washing machine and I asked her to go and ask him how it was going, she came back 2 minutes later and said "Dad says it's fucked!", it took me a second to register what she'd said and at that moment she burst into tears and ran to her bedroom thinking she was in trouble while I collapsed on the floor laughing so hard that my face hurt and I was crying. She was only about 4 years old at the time and only repeating what her dad had said so I wasn't going to shout at her (like I could have without laughing anyway!) for it, besides she was punishing herself enough. Another time we were on holiday at a caravan, it was really windy outside and she kept playing with the door handle. I told her several times to stop or the wind would catch the door but she didn't listen. The wind caught the door and she got sucked outside, her dad jumped up to go check on her while I again burst into hysterical laughter. Her dad made me go into another room while he calmed her down because my laughing was making it worse.

At school she was an eager learner. Always getting good marks on tests (ok, she struggled a bit with maths) and nice in class etc. I never had a bad report card, I was never called into the school because she was in trouble and she was friends with everyone (until high school teenage drama of course!). Her teachers always found it strange that she was good at both art and science but I was always the same too, I think most people are maybe better at one than the other? I don't know. Her favourite subject was always English though, she always had her head in a book growing up and even now she likes to sit and read when she has time.

Video games are also a huge passion of hers. Since she was little and playing kids games on a PC to various consoles now. There was a huge surprise for her once as her stepdad had always said "I won't have a wii in this house!" and then he bought her one for Christmas. I don't think she could believe it was real! He was just happy that she was happy and video games are one of the things they've bonded over.

Other things they have in common are their love of comic books and artwork (theres more too but this has a point). He used to be a graphic designer and she is about to begin studying 3D animation. Her artwork is amazing! I'm honestly not being biased here, she's really good and has actually sold some of her work. She was given an unconditional offer for the course she starts after summer based on how good her portfolio is. I'm so proud of her!

So! To my beautiful, creative, sarcastic, funny, amazing daughter Natalie. Happy birthday! I love you loads and I can't wait for the future!

Gigglesnort

The balloon

On Friday afternoon I released a balloon into the sky with a letter attached. I did this in honour of my friend who passed away last summer. Friday was significant because it was the day his ashes were scattered by his family, on the right hand side of the main stage at Download Festival so that he can forever be somewhere he loved going and can rock out forever.

In the letter I've written a short note to whoever finds it explaining why it was released and my contact details. I also left a personal message for my friend. I hope someone finds it and gets in touch.

My friend's name is Scott. He was part of my life for over 10 years and I miss him so much. He was the kind of guy that everybody loved, funny, sweet, filthy as hell, a great listener, gave good advice and was always there for his friends no matter what.

He was very well known in the rock and metal community, you could say he stood out! Known as the Kilted Slipknot Guy to people who didn't know his name and to us who did too. He was passionate about music and obviously his favourite band Slipknot was something he could talk about for hours.

I met him online in late 2004 (on a dating site, shut up!), he instantly got my attention by just being his funny self. We talked almost every day when we could and we got along fantastically. We didn't actually meet in person until summer 2005, we had a brief fling which unfortunately had to end as he was moving back to Glasgow and as a single parent I had to put my daughters interests first (that didn't include spending money we didn't have to go see a boyfriend every other weekend). We'll never know if things would have worked out but I am grateful to him for making me feel beautiful again after the awful relationship I'd been in before with my daughters dad. We went back to just being friends and since then he was someone I could always go to with anything that was bothering me and he'd talk me back to sanity.

The great sadness is that he couldn't fight his own demons. As well as some physical disability (as you can see by the crutches, which he happily crowd surfed with btw) he suffered from depression, bi-polar disorder I believe. The darkness was too much in the end. I really don't want to dwell on what happened but I will say that I didn't expect it. We'd spoken the day before and while he was definitely not in a good place, he still spoke as if we'd see each other again and even agreed to meet up next time I was up his end of the country.

The outpouring of love and heartbreak afterwards shows how many people he touched, how many people loved him, and how lucky we all were to have known such a beautiful person. The fact that almost a year later we're all still heartsick about him shows a lot about who he was.

My thoughts will always be with his family and friends, people who were closer to him than I was in the end. He made my life that little bit better and brighter and he will forever have a piece of my heart. I love you my friend, I will never forget you.

Gigglesnort

PS. I'm gonna miss his annual reminders of steak and blowjob day, national cleavage day and anything else that let him see boobs!

PPS. Rock out with your cock out!!!

*None of the photos of him belong to me*

Being grateful for the little things

Sometimes life is a massive crapfest. Everyone experiences this, where no matter what you do everything goes wrong and you wonder why Karma is kicking your ass. I was reminded recently that even though things are bad you should find happiness in the little things that are around you or the tiny scraps of joy that occasionally pop up in a world of shit. I've spoken enough on the bad in a previous post on here so I'm going to focus on the good for this one.

I recently got a puppy. I've always been a cat person and my thoughts on dogs were that they're a lot of work. I was right, training is a lot of work but its fun! I love it when she learns something new, or she brings me something she found in the garden (usually an old broken peg or a stick) and how she gets excited when people come to visit (everyone is her friend!). She's brought me a lot of happiness over the last few weeks and I'm sure will continue to for many years to come.

I also live in a rather beautiful place, in a farm cottage with gorgeous views over the local countryside and hills. On clear days you can see for miles, you can watch the weather roll in across the valley (thunderstorms are spectacular with the view from here!), theres no streetlights so at night there is very little light pollution and you can see every star in the sky and things like meteor showers we can literally just go out and look up.

Inside my house is filled with things that make me happy. Bookshelves overflowing with books and comics, geeky collectibles, every wall and door in my living room has something on it (pictures, banners etc) and even my windows are home to things on display. I don't care that its cluttered (untidy really) or that its a mix of themes (superheroes to dragons to art deco style owls) it suits me and my fiance and shows both of our personalities. We just need to get the rest of the house done to our style now.

I have some really great friends, some old some new but all amazing people. I'm the first to admit I can be a bit of a bad friend (terrible for not keeping in touch) sometimes, its never intentional but life can get in the way occasionally. I am trying to work on that though! I have a really good friend who's helped me a lot in recent years, when my anxiety was at its very worst and I felt like I couldn't do anything she dragged me out of the house and made me live. I hated her some days for that but it was the best thing she could do for me and it worked! She still does a lot for me and I honestly don't know what I'd do without her. Another really good friend I've known his whole life but we've only become close in the last year, he helped me a lot when things were really bad earlier this year, held me when I cried and listened to my ramblings. Even now things are better he still looks out for me and I love him dearly. My best friend lives far away unfortunately and because of that we don't see each other very often but when we do its like no time has passed at all. I miss that bitch every single day! I even miss her calling me while she's on the toilet (classy as fuck!) but I'll hopefully be seeing her soon.

My family... we have our fights and fall outs (normal family stuff) but I love them all. My parents have done loads for me over the years (taking me and my daughter in when we were homeless, countless hours of babysitting and now allowing my daughter to live with them while she's at college), my siblings too have helped me out and have my deepest gratitude for everything. I only wish I could see them all more often.

My fiance has put up with a lot from me and a lesser man would have walked long before now. Instead he's supported me, tolerated my mood swings, held me tight as I begged him to go, looked after me when I couldn't look after myself, helped me raise my daughter through the awful teenage years (they have a really close bond now), talked me down when I've been completely irrational, stood by my side and fought my corner. I couldn't wish for more than that. Don't get me wrong, there are days where I could quite happily murder him and dispose of his corpse in a shallow grave, but I'm sure he feels the same way.

Finally my daughter. Shes amazing! She makes me so proud. She's following her own path after trying out what others (her father) thought she should do and hating every second of it shes now using her real talents and studying something she has a passion for. She's sarcastic (no idea where that comes from... honest!), funny, sweet, caring... I could go on and on!

So for all the bad theres plenty of good, you just have to take stock of it. Even on the worst of days theres always something that can shine some light.

Gigglesnort

Ps. nothing brightens up my day like hearing that someone who has wronged me has Karma kicking their ass (or should I say knee?) in return :D