Hi all :)
Today I thought I'd talk a little about what it is like to have invisible illnesses. I've been suffering for years with the ones I knew about and the one I didn't so this is a little history of my health and how I am now.
Lets start with the polysystic ovaries (PCOS). I was unaware I had it for a long time after all, I had no problem getting pregnant with my daughter! I was on the pill and using condoms at the time she was conceived so no issues right? I'd always had heavier periods than my friends but I just assumed that's just how it all works and was the reason I was on the pill in the first place was to control them. It wasn't until my daughter was around 3 that I discovered there was more going on. I was rushed to hospital with uncontrollable bleeding where I was told it was either a miscarriage or a burst cyst. After some tests they confirmed it wasn't a miscarriage. After that we were actively trying for another child with no luck, I had tests done but no answers. Turns out for the best really as he was cheating on me at the time and after I got rid he went on to father at least 2 other children so obviously the issue wasn't him it was me. After I got with my fiance we decided to try for a baby of our own, again I had all manner of tests with no clear results however the doctor has determined that I do have PCOS thanks to its lovely side effects of excess hair growth (Seriously, I could grow a pretty impressive neck beard!), difficulty losing weight, heavy and painful periods. I don't have any blockages in my tubes and the only time I know I've had a cyst is when it bursts. Fun times!
Next up diabetes. Oh how I hate this one. I am fully aware that this is my own fault in part even if I am genetically predisposed to it. I haven't been consistent with my treatments in the past (a mixture of denial and stress/depression) which has lead to where I am now. I used to say "I could never inject! it freaks me out!" hahahahahaha! It turns out yes I can, I have to because if I don't I'm putting my life at risk. I don't enjoy it, it hurts, my stomach is a patchwork of bruises and needle marks, my fingers ache from testing my blood and half my fridge is medication. On the up side, I eat better now, I actually have breakfast every day, in fact I have regular mealtimes now instead of just eating whenever I felt like it. Its limiting though, I can't be spontaneous anymore I have to plan things out and make sure I have enough medication and needles with me and cute little handbags are a thing of the past as they won't hold everything I need now.
Now the fibromyalgia. I worked out years ago that my body doesn't cope well with stress, quite a few people will remember when I got Bells Palsy or as it came to be known droopyface... I love my friends the bastards lol! That happened due to the stress of kicking out my ex and losing my home all at once. Thankfully it eventually went away, quite possibly because I laughed a lot when I had it and it worked the muscles. I still have some weakness in the left side of my face but I'm the only one who notices. It could come back but I'm not worried about it. Back to the point! I don't cope well with stress. I first got symptoms of fibro about 5 or 6 years ago I'd had yet another chest infection and the exhaustion wouldn't go away for months after it had cleared up. I also had a strange numb patch on my left leg, its freaky! You know when your hand or leg goes to sleep and you can't feel it? Before you move it and the pins and needles kick in? That's what this one part of my thigh feels like almost all the time, like theres a hole in my leg. If I stand too long though it does turn into pins and needles which can be very painful when it goes on for hours. This started around the time of my daughter being a hormonal teenager, a fiance with severe mental health issues and me being the sole earner for us all. I don't blame either of them or myself for that, I was under a lot of pressure at work and I wasn't handling it at all well. After my breakdown a couple of years ago when I was unable to return to work (I could barely leave the house) the exhaustion came back hard. After the trauma of last year it got even worse, progressively the pain started to get worse and even the simplest of tasks left me feeling like I could sleep for a week. I struggle every day to get through without falling asleep randomly (wouldn't be the first time I've almost stabbed myself with a sewing needle because I've fallen asleep while doing something). Car journeys are a struggle because of being restricted to sitting in one position causes pain and the motion of the car makes me drowsy/sick. Some days even just having a bath means I need a nap afterwards as its too much energy used. The absolute worst part for me is the mental fatigue or fibro fog as its known. Not to blow my own trumpet here but I'm quite intelligent, when the fog hits though I feel as if I've lost it all. I can't remember things or conversations I've had, whether I've taken my medication or not... its terrifying and frustrating. I know what I want to say but the words don't make sense, I have to ask people to repeat what they've said because its not computing in my brain, and its not complicated things either, the simplest of things can leave me confused and slightly annoyed at myself. Its hell, I genuinely wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
Ok, thats enough for now. I hope this gives a little insight on what its like to live with things that people can't see so assume isn't real. Until next time I have the energy to write :)
Gigglesnort x
